Telling a Spouse An SO's Perspective

My name is Kathy and I am married to a cd. It is very over whelming for guys just coming out and I have seen the same pitfalls happen over and over. I hope you will take time to start getting educated and help your SO get info that she needs.

I will provide info below..but you asked "What do I need to say and how should I say it? How can this be presenting the most loving and caring way that is sensitive to the impact on her perception of me telling her this may cause? What should I NOT say, if anything?"

First..be honest. Lots of guys make the mistake when asked "how far are you going to go with this?" And their answer " I don't know..." This leaves a woman to imagine THE WORST! if you are not sure say what you WON"T do. i.e....."I don't want to be a woman full time, I don't want to chemically alter my body, etc." When left to guess and try to figure out how far a guy  can take this we ladies have a very creative imagination.

Secondly don't present this like some 'big bad freakish secret.' It is not, you need to say something along the lines of " I have something I want to share with you, because I trust you and I care about you and I think that you care about me enough to be willing to understand me". It takes courage, love, and much honesty to share this with a partner, if a girl cannot see  how much guts it took to share this, well I would question how deeply the 'love' is.

Also, this may sound unbelievable, but if you tell her and she is understanding and supportive. Accept that. Some guys literally expect the worst and then are more shocked than the woman when she does not go hauling ass out of there. This almost looks like the guy is not giving the woman enough credit to be intelligent enough with this new found info. So if she does not panic don't test her limits to see just how far she is cool with it.

Here are some links that you both can check out together. They list all sorts of info that will be important for her in the coming months. I know this might sound cliche' but the closet you just came out of well you will be sticking her in there without the proper information.

Good luck and please let me know if your SO would like someone to talk to. I am a moderator of a support group for wives of hetero crossdressers and we would love to have her join if and when she is ready. She can contact me directly. This list is for women only. (So sorry guys, do no contact me telling me you want to join. I have to hear from your SO and it has to be real... yes I can tell when I am being bs'ed)

Here are the links: I suggest you read them too. Hopefully you won't fall in the same boat as many that come running out of the gate..

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/9072/LISTSERVES.html This is a page of lists that are run by some good friends of mine, one is for wives only, one for cd's only, and one for couples (once they have reached a point of acceptance)

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Park/1628/eoladvice.html
This page has valuable advice for you and your SO.

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/9072/PAGETWO.html
This is a couples site that is very much couple and wife friendly.
These two people are very good friends of mine and have much insight as to
how to incorporate this successfully into a relationship.

http://www.webring.org/cgi-bin/webring?ring=cdso;list
This is a list of wife friendly sites that deal with couple's issues and some are done by wives only, some by couples, and some by cd's but are not vanity sites.


http://www.tgirlmagazine.com/english/articles/docs/unsecure/how_to_come_out_to_your_partner.html
This is an article that I wrote for TG magazine.

http://www.ren.org/bp.html
http://www.cdspub.com/cope04.html
Misc. info on crossdressing

http://www.tgfmall.com/couples/index.html
One couples experiences from each side. Our list that I help moderate is a very positive list that tries to stress the importance of good communication, and a willingness to be open minded. All the while gaining new friends and insight.

Some last advice...women that are able to talk and share this info with others have a much better time coping than one that has absolutely no one to talk too. Also, I strongly recommend buying and giving to your wife Dr. Peggy Ruud's book "My Husband Wears My Clothes". it is an excellent read for not just a SO, but also a cd and offers much support and ideas for a spouse just learning this. You can purchase this book at any online book store.

Crossdressing does not have to be the end of a relationship, nor the center of it, but with communication, compromise, and cuddling you can make your love stronger than ever.

Hugs and Good wishes sent your way.

Kathy

PS..as always if anyone wants to contact me directly I can be emailed.

Reprinted with permission-JC